Misconceptions about negotiating kink

Full disclosure:
I am a kinky motherfucker.  I am a hardcore feminist who is attracted to cis-men, who likes to get tied up, spanked, bossed around, and whipped.  I don't find these things contradictory.  In my mind, feminism is about me having a choice, me giving my consent.  If I consent to one act, e.g. being tied up, that doesn't necessarily mean I consent to other acts, e.g. someone touching my genitals.  In the vanilla community, there seems to be a lot of gray area.  Consent gets muddy.  There is the cut-and-dry case like, "If he buys me dinner, then he'll assume he can do things to me." (Side note: the only time that I was expected to "pay my date" was when a woman took me out to an expensive meal. The men I've dated generally came with less expectation of sex, at least in the beginning.) But also instances where kissing and manual-genital stimulation might be okay, but oral-genital stimulation is not.  Generally, people on a date or even in an established, long-term relationship don't negotiate before sensual/sexual activity begins.  This makes for awkward moments and sometimes arguments and misunderstandings when one person thinks that a specific thing is okay because it usually is, and the other person doesn't want to to said thing but feels self conscious about expressing this in the moment.  If more people in the hetero-normative, vanilla mainstream were into checking in prior to starting their erotic activities, maybe these awkward moments and unnecessary misunderstandings could be eradicated.
Of course, the fact that negotiations beyond "no means no" aren't part of general sex education explains why there are such gross misunderstandings about BDSM, kink, and group sex.  I recently propositioned a friend of mine with an invitation to a play party, and he freaked out!  Before I had a chance to explain what I was inviting him to, he informed me that I was inviting him to be naked, whipped and fucked by strangers.  After a few days, this situation calmed down and we were able to have a nice talk about negotiations and consent.
See, the thing is, you can say yes to a play party or an orgy and then not do anything you don't want to do.  You can go to a play party and just hug all night long.  Or be kissed, or tickled, or not touched at all. You can agree to be in a threesome or an orgy with friends and keep your pants on, or take them of and still only cuddle and/or kiss.  The proposed activity does not dictate what you consent to.  You do.  It's good to be able to say no and be heard.  It's even better to understand what you are saying no to, because if you have accurate information instead of common misconceptions, you might just say yes.