Tantra: Gag me with patchouli

Look, I never, ever claimed to be a tolerant human being. Never. I bitch about things that irk me. I f you don't want to read judgmental things, don't read this blog.

And now, without further ado:

There is this conference happening in Berlin right now, ISTA Conference of Sexuality and Consciousness. Two of the people presenting at this conference are staying at my place. Seeing as I am interested in sexuality, I asked them about the conference. They immediately started talking about Tantra, energy, Chakras. I said something about healing whores and sacred prostitutes. I was immediately corrected. "Well," the heterosexual, gigilo-in-disguise as a messiah says, "I don't really think about it like that."
Oh, really? I want to retaliate but don't. Why not? Is it because you don't think of whores as real business people, freelancers, and independent contractors. Why are you somehow better? Many whores have knowledge of tantra, consciousness, listening to a person's body and helping them discover their buried desires. It's like the burlesque dancers who think strippers are dirty, but what they do is somehow more respectable. I don't see the difference, except that "burlesque" is somehow respectable enough for middle-class white men to enjoy with their wives, and erotic dancers are marginalized. It has nothing to do with skill, and if you don't believe me, try poledancing.  I know several strippers who can poledance, but not many burlesque dancers who do.
This ISTA conference makes my skin crawl on several levels, the broadest being that most of the presenters are white, although it seems a central theme to the workshop is Tantra and Yoga, which are spiritual forms from India.  I do think that white people have a right to teach this stuff, but the person who curated this conference did not have diversity on their mind when they were booking presenters.  And then there's the amount of workshops about orgasms led by men.  Excuse me, Mr. White Hetersexual cis-male, but you think you know more about the workings of a pussy than someone who has one? Gross. I read some of the workshop information. Not one mention of fisting. 
So, I'm conflicted about this. On the one hand, I am glad folks are paying attention to sexuality.  On the other hand, it all seems so very normative, patriarchal and just plain BORING! 
I mean, goddess worship is just another form of chauvinism. If you put a woman on a pedestal from which she cannot descend, you rob her of her humanness. You take away her ability to make mistakes, to learn and grow.
Tantra, goddess worship, orgasm coaches? No thanks. It's all a bit to clean and polished a product for me.  You can take your "Erotic Energy Practice" and shove up your man-pussy. I'll take my down-to-earth, gritty, DIY sex workers, thank you very much.

Kink and Consent: Checklists

"But isn't negotiating everything beforehand unsexy? Doesn't it ruin the mood?" K. asks me as we walk down Skalitzerstraße toward the Berlin Porn Film Festival  headquarters.  "Not at all," I say, and I think about last night in the bar, sitting on the couch between my husband and our friend, discussing the possibilities of all of us in bed together, and how just because we were all there, it did not mean that we all had the same limits and boundaries.  It was quite a fun conversation, lots of hand holding, hair stroking, a few kisses.  The conversation created a feeling of safety between us, and while we didn't all end up in bed together that night, our negotiations created a platform for further discussion.  I won't share the details of these specific negotiations here.  That would be lascivious and unnecessary.  What I will do is give some sample negotiating points, both for bdsm and vanilla lifestyles.  There are several sample checklists online, but I don't like the checklist idea.  Working from notes is okay, but I want to have a connection with the person I am playing with, even if it is just a one time thing.  I would rather have a relaxed conversation about wants, desires and definitely nots.  You'll find your own way.  These are just some ideas to get you started.

BDSM

• Will you top or bottom?
• Is sex involved, and if so what kind?  (It is important to be VERY specific)
• How many people will be involved?
• Can I touch you with my hands?
• Where do you not want to be touched?
• I do/do not want you to touch me with your hands.
• You may touch me with your hands everywhere except ______________.
• Can I touch you with my mouth?
• Where may I not touch you with my mouth?
• I do/do not want you to touch me with your mouth.
• You may touch me with your mouth everywhere except ______________.
• Do you have a safeword?
• May I use toys on you? 
• What type? (Whips, floggers, dildoes, vibrators, nipple clamps, etc.)  

THREESOMES AND GROUP SESSIONS (VANILLA)

• Will condoms/protective barriers be used? (You should always use a condom/latex or polyurethane gloves, etc., unless you are already fluid-bonded with a person.  In an orgy situation, sometimes making sure everyone is wearing a condom on their cock or dildo no matter whom is fluid bonded to whom is a good idea.  And remember to change your condom or gloves when you change partners. Also, remember that oil-based lubricants and latex don't mix.  Silicone lube is latex safe, but cannot be used with silicone toys.  If you are going to play with silicone toys, water-based lube is the way to go.)
• Is anyone allergic to latex?
• Who may touch you, where, and with what? (perhaps there is someone involved that you would like to cuddle and kiss, but you don't want them to touch your genitals. Perhaps you are only open to anal sex with one person in the group.  Perhaps you are okay with giving oral sex to others but don't want to receive it... and so on.)
• What is definitely not okay with you?

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to do this. Your limits are your limits, and they may change from day to day.  One day you may be open to something, a few days later, maybe not. There is nothing wrong with this and no one should argue with you about it.
It can be intimidating, this idea of negotiating, defining specifically what you want (and need) to have a good time.  It takes practice.  But in the end, it is very, very worth it.

Misconceptions about negotiating kink

Full disclosure:
I am a kinky motherfucker.  I am a hardcore feminist who is attracted to cis-men, who likes to get tied up, spanked, bossed around, and whipped.  I don't find these things contradictory.  In my mind, feminism is about me having a choice, me giving my consent.  If I consent to one act, e.g. being tied up, that doesn't necessarily mean I consent to other acts, e.g. someone touching my genitals.  In the vanilla community, there seems to be a lot of gray area.  Consent gets muddy.  There is the cut-and-dry case like, "If he buys me dinner, then he'll assume he can do things to me." (Side note: the only time that I was expected to "pay my date" was when a woman took me out to an expensive meal. The men I've dated generally came with less expectation of sex, at least in the beginning.) But also instances where kissing and manual-genital stimulation might be okay, but oral-genital stimulation is not.  Generally, people on a date or even in an established, long-term relationship don't negotiate before sensual/sexual activity begins.  This makes for awkward moments and sometimes arguments and misunderstandings when one person thinks that a specific thing is okay because it usually is, and the other person doesn't want to to said thing but feels self conscious about expressing this in the moment.  If more people in the hetero-normative, vanilla mainstream were into checking in prior to starting their erotic activities, maybe these awkward moments and unnecessary misunderstandings could be eradicated.
Of course, the fact that negotiations beyond "no means no" aren't part of general sex education explains why there are such gross misunderstandings about BDSM, kink, and group sex.  I recently propositioned a friend of mine with an invitation to a play party, and he freaked out!  Before I had a chance to explain what I was inviting him to, he informed me that I was inviting him to be naked, whipped and fucked by strangers.  After a few days, this situation calmed down and we were able to have a nice talk about negotiations and consent.
See, the thing is, you can say yes to a play party or an orgy and then not do anything you don't want to do.  You can go to a play party and just hug all night long.  Or be kissed, or tickled, or not touched at all. You can agree to be in a threesome or an orgy with friends and keep your pants on, or take them of and still only cuddle and/or kiss.  The proposed activity does not dictate what you consent to.  You do.  It's good to be able to say no and be heard.  It's even better to understand what you are saying no to, because if you have accurate information instead of common misconceptions, you might just say yes.