The word "No"

A few weeks ago, I had a fight with one of my straight, male friends. I had asked him if he would like to participate in an activity. He said no, but it was obvious he didn't understand me. I clarified, which he took as me asking again, and threw A FIT because I didn't respect his "No."
The week before, we had been hanging out and he asked me to tell me about my experiences with women. He wanted details. I'm not really into talking about my intimate experiences with women with straight men, for obvious reasons. When I would not describe to my encounters, he described to me what he imagined it would have been like. I changed the subject. The third time, half an hour later, he asked me AGAIN.  Me saying "no," hadn't worked, me changing the subject hadn't worked, so the third time I made up a song that embarrassed him.  He stopped asking. But I had to say no three times. And I think that if I had not embarrassed him he would have just kept hounding me
I wasn't intimidated.  I didn't feel threatened, just annoyed. 
And really baffled that he took his "no," so seriously and didn't seem to hear mine  at all.
My friend is not an asshole, but he is a straight cis-male.  I am a queer cis-woman who is sometimes attracted to cis-men. Let's examine the word "no" with this in mind.

Women are used to having to say no a whole bunch of times.  If we freak out after a "no" is not accepted the first time, then we are "overreacting and hysterical."  We want boys to like us, so very early on we learn to just calmly repeat ourselves, use different tactics and so on.  The way our patriarchal society is set up, men are used to being heard, not being questioned or challenged, and getting what they want.  This is why men generally believe it is okay to ask a woman for something she does not want to give them multiple times, whether it is information or physical closeness.

Straight cis-men are used to people always listening to them and never questioning. This privilege comes with being a cis-male.  It is not a man's fault that he has this privilege, but a fault of the  patriarchal system we are socialized in.  Maybe this is why, when are asked something more then one time, they act as if the violation akin to rape. As a woman who has experience being on the receiving end of both the persistent requests and rape, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that they are definitely not the same thing.

That my "no" was not respected does not justify my behavior, asking again after I received a "no," the first time.  I do think it worth examining though, that I feel it is my responsibility to stay cool and collected as I repeat my "no." And most of the cis-men I know get near hysterical when the must repeat their "no" even once.

Done hiding

For a long time I hid.  Out of shame.  Out of fear.  Out of "What if I can't find a job?"
I used to work with kids, being terrified that some parent would discover my artwork or performance and deem it unacceptable because I deal with gender and sexuality.  This fear kept me partially employed, mostly underpaid, and artistically constipated in the US.  Now I live in Europe.  I don't want to work with children anymore.  I have ceased to be good at it.  Plus, I got a little lax with my website.  (More like turned into a self-respecting artist who is proud of her work.)  The job that I had got "concerns from parents," and let me go.  I wasn't so upset.  I miss the cash, but I hated the job.
So now, I just have to go for it.  I moved to a country where I wasn't a citizen, where I didn't speak the language to have more freedom as an artist. So this is how it will be, I guess.  No more fear.  I am hosting a queer, radical and sometimes explicit cabaret, I am making art and performance about gender and sexuality.  I have not "chosen" a life on the margins of society.  I have finally accepted who I am, and am now trying to make a buck, with honesty, not pretending to be somebody else.  Not hiding.

Let me be clear.  This isn't about me wanting to post pictures of drunken nights on Facebook (not that there's anything wrong with that.  This is about me finally believing that my art, my thoughts, my radical and weird self is worth something.
I am tired of the double standard that goes on.  How when men express their sexuality, our society sees this as "normal," but when a woman does the same thing she should "be careful." 
"Why do you have to focus on gender and sexuality all the time?" My straight friends ask me, baffled by my seeming obsession.  Let me explain.  Let me be clear.  We see examples of the hetero-normative life everywhere: movies, television, popular theater, art and advertisements.  What about those of us whose hopes and dreams do not fit into the "marriage, children, own a house" dream?
What about those of us who do not think that, should we have a child, that child should be raised in a two-parent situation but rather by a community?  What about those of us who ride between the gender lines, who are not fulfilled by choosing one or the other?  Who is going to represent those who live outside of the hetero-normative if not ourselves.
I am done hiding. One more angry feminist?  Yes please.