Kink and Consent: Checklists

"But isn't negotiating everything beforehand unsexy? Doesn't it ruin the mood?" K. asks me as we walk down Skalitzerstraße toward the Berlin Porn Film Festival  headquarters.  "Not at all," I say, and I think about last night in the bar, sitting on the couch between my husband and our friend, discussing the possibilities of all of us in bed together, and how just because we were all there, it did not mean that we all had the same limits and boundaries.  It was quite a fun conversation, lots of hand holding, hair stroking, a few kisses.  The conversation created a feeling of safety between us, and while we didn't all end up in bed together that night, our negotiations created a platform for further discussion.  I won't share the details of these specific negotiations here.  That would be lascivious and unnecessary.  What I will do is give some sample negotiating points, both for bdsm and vanilla lifestyles.  There are several sample checklists online, but I don't like the checklist idea.  Working from notes is okay, but I want to have a connection with the person I am playing with, even if it is just a one time thing.  I would rather have a relaxed conversation about wants, desires and definitely nots.  You'll find your own way.  These are just some ideas to get you started.

BDSM

• Will you top or bottom?
• Is sex involved, and if so what kind?  (It is important to be VERY specific)
• How many people will be involved?
• Can I touch you with my hands?
• Where do you not want to be touched?
• I do/do not want you to touch me with your hands.
• You may touch me with your hands everywhere except ______________.
• Can I touch you with my mouth?
• Where may I not touch you with my mouth?
• I do/do not want you to touch me with your mouth.
• You may touch me with your mouth everywhere except ______________.
• Do you have a safeword?
• May I use toys on you? 
• What type? (Whips, floggers, dildoes, vibrators, nipple clamps, etc.)  

THREESOMES AND GROUP SESSIONS (VANILLA)

• Will condoms/protective barriers be used? (You should always use a condom/latex or polyurethane gloves, etc., unless you are already fluid-bonded with a person.  In an orgy situation, sometimes making sure everyone is wearing a condom on their cock or dildo no matter whom is fluid bonded to whom is a good idea.  And remember to change your condom or gloves when you change partners. Also, remember that oil-based lubricants and latex don't mix.  Silicone lube is latex safe, but cannot be used with silicone toys.  If you are going to play with silicone toys, water-based lube is the way to go.)
• Is anyone allergic to latex?
• Who may touch you, where, and with what? (perhaps there is someone involved that you would like to cuddle and kiss, but you don't want them to touch your genitals. Perhaps you are only open to anal sex with one person in the group.  Perhaps you are okay with giving oral sex to others but don't want to receive it... and so on.)
• What is definitely not okay with you?

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to do this. Your limits are your limits, and they may change from day to day.  One day you may be open to something, a few days later, maybe not. There is nothing wrong with this and no one should argue with you about it.
It can be intimidating, this idea of negotiating, defining specifically what you want (and need) to have a good time.  It takes practice.  But in the end, it is very, very worth it.